For Personal Use Only

I love Analytica (ASX : ALT). At so many different levels. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

I love PeriCoach to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight yet bluetooth-enabled
For the ends of Being and ideal for travel 
I love thee to the level of everyday’s lovemaking, with a bit less pee pee (not that you would notice, you moron)
Most quiet need, by sun and solemn glow of my v2.3.3. Android smart phone
I love thee freely, as men might strive for Right, or at least a reasonably fit looking bird in the AGM report with a pouty face
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise for better sexual outcomes
I love thee with the passion put to use, because let’s face it, the PeriCoach assembles Ikea furniture about as well as you do 
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith in vaginal sensor technology 
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose as I get older, and my pelvic floor gives way because you impregnated me YOU BASTARD. TWICE.
With my lost saints,–I love thee with the breath … er girth… 
Smiles, tears, of all my life!–and, if God choose to make PeriCoach in colours other than white,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Tonight, I wanted to give you a serious piece about why I am angry with Starpharma (ASX : SPL) because they haven’t retracted their shitty and misleading data yet. Don’t worry, it is coming.

I also wanted to write about why Genetic Technologies’ (ASX : GTG) announcement that their Caucasian-derived SNP assay for African-American and Hispanic women is a disturbing development, not least of all because the tragic combination of socioeconomic reality and the Gail model already paints a pretty bleak picture (and its hard to see how GTG is going to help). This is a topic of intense interest to me because of a close friend (African-American) with advanced breast cancer.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to go there tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

No, instead, I am going to focus on Analytica because it is just SO AWESOME. I particularly loved the opening statement in their recent “sexual satisfaction” announcement:

Analytica Ltd (ASX : ALT) manufacturer of the PeriCoach(r) system is pleased to announce that a survey of PeriCoach users also reported increased sexual satisfaction after using the device to treat their stress urinary incontinence.

Well, mazel tov. I retract my earlier statements that this product was little more than a dildo designed by electrical engineers. It’s obviously a lot more fun that it looks. Clearly this is a good thing for Aussie females:

A lack of sexual satisfaction is a condition with significant unmet medical need, with 60.5% of Australian women reporting at least one sexual problem within the proceeding year.

You mean like a husband?

Other Australian data shows that a lack of interest in having sex was reported by 54.8% of Australian women while 28.6% of respondents were unable to orgasm and 27.3% were not finding sex pleasurable.

On behalf of all Australian men, I’d like to apologise. I would tend to agree that a drunken attempt at intercourse is fairly unappealing after you were kind enough to give us a “hall pass” on a Friday night to hang out with our mates down at the local boozer. If it’s any consolation, despite trying for 43 seconds, we didn’t have an orgasm either.

Prof. Pauline Chiarelli, commented:

Using the PeriCoach is probably making these women more confident given it is improving their incontinence, and therefore makes them more confident sexually, allowing them to enjoy sex more and become more aroused.

Nah, it’s just pretty much because it’s a bit naughty, and it stays rigid for longer than a minute.

It also doesn’t snore. And you can power it down when it is giving you the shits.

Analytica Chairman Dr. Michael Monsour added that: “This positive feedback from users of PeriCoach underlines potential for the device to treat a lack of sexual satisfaction in women. Our user feedback showing an increase in sexual satisfaction in more than a third of women is an enormous market, and all without any side effects.

Ah…. and there is the rub. All the benefits of flibanserin without the drug. Of course.

I love this company, I can’t wait to hear more.

Saint Michael - Patron Saint of Dildos

Saint Michael – Patron Saint of Dildos … er pelvic floor strengthening technology…

Feature image courtesy of the 2014 ALT AGM report. A picture truly says a thousand words…


6 thoughts on “For Personal Use Only

  1. A ‘Nose’ by any other name would smell…….etc, etc…..or I particularly like the reference to Hamlet’s soliloquy…..”To be or not to be,…..those are the parameters”




    • Or perhaps Porter’s rumination on drink in Macbeth best explains the dissatisfied plight of the Australian female?

      Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes. It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery. It makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.


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